Just a few months in we started arguing. Nothing seemed to make him happy, I couldn't win. Ultimatums of you cant talk to this person, you cant do this, I don't want you on Facebook. Accusations. You name it. Year One was full of head games. And he won every single one. All I wanted to do was make my king happy. Then right at the year mark, I got slapped and hands around my neck, though he didn't choke me I got the point. I locked myself in the bathroom. I couldn't believe it. Yet I came out and begged him not to leave. He just wanted to leave and I begged so much til he slapped me again. And then he left anyways.
I would learn later that he was always going to come back. Hes never leaving you. Thats his MO, but I just didn't want to lose him. Fast forward through cheating, more cheating, and more head games, its christmas time. Were bickering at his moms, I decide to sleep in the family room on the couch rather then deal with him. He comes in the dark and grabs me by my hair and pulls me off the couch. Later he says i put myself off the couch, I see it as my ass was getting pulled Im going willingly.
At this point I was so depressed. No one was around. I have never had a tight nit family. I was always the one planning outings with friends and family, forcing the togetherness. I wasn't able to be that anymore, so rarely did anyone ask me why I was m.ia. I had no one, was in a court battle over child support and visitations, the only one who was there and did have my back when I needed it was My King. It wasn't all bad, why would any one stay with someone if it was so bad all the time. I loved taking care of him and my boys, I lived to serve him. He was best friend, my only friend. And like I said at the end of the day he would come through for me and vice versa. So I stuck through more cheating, more head games. When I would catch the cheating it would be flipped on me. I was always faithful and loyal. Around Valentines I had a pregnancy scare. He was m.i.a all week until I was in the clear. I went deeper in depression, I didn't work that entire week. He made up for it by leaving me Tiffany jewelry in my car at work, although I knew it was fake, it was so thoughtful to me. Then the next week I found out yet again more cheating. What was worse was that he had been pressuring me to lose the 15lbs I had gained in our relationship and he had actually even treated this other woman who happened to be overweight to my food and bought her the same gifts for Valentines Day. I was furious and hurt. I confronted him in the driveway when we met up. I started to dial her, he wrestled me, threw me against my truck and took my phone and threw it in the street. You think I would've left, and I did.
We would argue and he would always show up at random times. So I went where he wouldn't expect me. I decided forget this I'm taking a break from my life. I went to his moms and I took a leave from work. I ignored emails, phone calls. His mom would tell him she hadn't heard from me. He didn't bother to check there. I made it a few weeks until seeing him on his mom's birthday when we all went out and then to a party. In my mind I was his and only his and no other woman could compete. I made it clear what I wasn't going to put up with anymore. We bickered through it. I wasn't backing down, I wasn't going to be controlled anymore or lied and cheated on anymore. And he wasn't going to put his hands on me in any manner or talk to me disrespectfully anymore. We both suffered from depression, so some days it was great some days we would just argue to the point we would be in the same house for days and ignore each other. I don't think this helped at all.
About a month later things started getting better, he decided he was ready to commit. We made the leap to move in together. I rented my home out and moved into my dream home with him. We were suppose to be working towards marriage. Things were the best ever at first. There was a hiccup with this one woman leaving a bag of his items in the driveway. We fought about it but at the end of the day I really was happy that it was a sign that they were done. Then he lost his job.
I sucked it up, went to work more. Somehow I was making the bills work, but it was extremely stressful on us both and no decent paying jobs were calling back. Not long after that we argued and he tried to put me out the house. I was fighting back now. I hit kicked, even bit him when he had my arms held. Then not long after that more evidence of cheating. I don't even remember everything that happened during one argument but I know I got the backhand and he wouldn't let me out of the room. At some point in the struggle I remember looking down at my phone and seeing the words "Mom dialing" and I thought "Mom will hear everything and show up or call someone". No one showed. I felt more defeated and alone then ever. I remember just crying on my knees and asking god to takeover control in my life because I had nothing left. Days later I looked back and realized my phone pocket dialed her old number, that actually made me feel better.
Later we took a vacation just to come back and find out we needed an awful lot of money very quickly. Talk about stress! Of course we argued, who wouldn't in that type situation? We argued so bad I tried to leave, got a uhual and everything. I wound up leaving the uhual there and left because the drama was too much with both our family there. I tried to stay at my moms to think but then we argued and she kicked me out. So once again reinforcing who was there for me and I went home. But we got it together financially. We made it happen. I worked overtime and put every bill off that I could. Then one night I was so tired after working overtime and running around getting my son, paying bills. It was late. I didn't want to be bothered so I was watching tv in our family room. Then I get a text message accusing me of cheating because I was being distant. Truth was I was just tired AF! I snapped. I went down to the bedroom and I asked what the hell this was about. I don't even know what he said, he just ran his mouth and I was over it. I just punched him in side of head as he laid in bed talking. Of course he jumped up and chased me down, beat the back of my head in, never touched my face. When I was down I felt a kick to the side. In that moment I thought I don't want my son to become this kind of monster. I knew in that moment I would be leaving for sure.
I didn't leave that moment. I knew I had to play cool. He went to bed and I went back upstairs. He tried to apologize the next day but it was too late. I went to work. I had some nosebleeds. So after work I went to the er, had a cat scan. Only had a concussion but still damn I needed a cat scan? I stayed with his mom that night and then the next day I got up, called out of work, found an apartment by 930am approved. Utilities on and keys in hand by noon, Uhaul by 1 pm and pulled up to the new spot by 630pm. As time went on I got mentally stronger, got back to a healthy weight see I had gotten underweight and dehydrated in the stress of it all, For about a month seems like my only nutrition was wine and cock tails to calm my nerves. Leaving was hard but it was freedom. Very quickly I could breathe again. I stopped my antidepressants and anxiety meds. I don't need them anymore. This past year has been a journey in finding what I want, what makes me happy. Its been a year of embracing change, of literally starting over in every way you can think of. In May we met up for lunch, I was able to conversate about the good stuff no problem, you know the kids and such. But when it came down to me and him, I was able to walk away. And walk away with a smile I did because I knew he didn't have control over me anymore. I did tell him at our lunch that I will never love anyone like I loved him and that is true. Our love was sick, demented. 2 damaged souls that didn't need to be together and no love should be like that.
I share so much detail of my story because I want people to think twice before judging another's situation and maybe pay attention if they start alienating themselves. I hope I brought some insight into the mind of the woman that stays. I hope this story makes someone feel normal and want to reach out to someone, anyone and decide to take back control of their own life. And I hope this even touches someone who has been an abuser to recognize the mental anguish you put on a person through mental and physical abuse. It wasn't bad all the time. He was my comfort and my pain. Its not like the movies. This is real life. I hope one day he grows and is great at being someone's King, I just don't desire him to be mine. That corny saying about loving yourself, yeah its real and I love me too much to settle for anything these days. I am pretty awesome.
P.E.A.C.E & Much Love,